SPOILERS: A real conversation with my wife Valerie, while on a run, after seeing Captain America: The First Avenger. After seeing the movie and thinking about comic-to-movie transition, interpretation and continuity and adherence to canon I started thinking about the decrease in comic sales in general. I thought I’d run my thoughts by my wife, for a good distraction from the run while giving me an excuse to talk about comics in general, since I hate running.

Ronando: “Ok, so, … here’s why I think comic sales are partially due to ridiculously complex comic stories. .. and it’s connected to the Captain America movie we just saw.  there’s some like, cool things about the movie that you should… um… that you’ll think are pretty cool.”

Valerie: “… uh huh.”

R: “.. so, you remember in the movie, Cap’s friend Bucky …”

V: “Yeah, the guy that died on the train?”

R: “Yeah. Well, in the comics, he dies and…”

V: “On a train?”

R: “No. No. .. not on a train, it’s complicated. He dies trying to stop a test rocket in World War II but then is brought back several years ago by the Russians, but he lost an..”

V: “Bucky’s a Russian? I thought he was Captain America’s friend.”

R “No! No! He is Cap’s friend, he’s not Russian. The Russian’s fouuund him, but he was missing an arm, and they brain washed him. Here’s the deal. They train him to be an assassin, a sniper, as well as a trainer for the Black Widow Russian agents. The cool thing is that we saw Bucky, for just a moment, using a sniper rifle in the movie. I’m betting that when the Avengers comes out, Bucky will be the Winter Soldier, which is the name the Russian’s gave him when he was working for them.”

V: “So what’s that got to do with a decrease in comic sales?

R: “…. um… I don’t know, I lost my train of thought. Hold on, let me catch my breath.”

V: “Aren’t you supposed to know this stuff? You run a superhero website and sell superhero shirts. You would think that your fans would expect you to know all the…”

R: “Give me a second!! I’m trying to remember the connection, it’s pretty convoluted! I have to backtrack my thoughts. …. Oh! Ok, so, you know I just got my comic shipment from Excalibur comics in Portland. So, in there is a new series called Fear itself. The deal is, if you’re buying comics for the first time in a couple years and you happen to pick one of these up, you have no friggin’ idea what the hell is going on! Check it out, there are these like, 6 or 7 hammers that fall to Earth and..

V: “Like Thor’s hammer?”

R: “Exactly! So, they fall to Earth and..”

V: “But Thor already has a hammer.”

R: “NO! NO! Listen, No, there’s 6 or 7, I don’t know ’cause I started in the middle, that fall to Earth. They’re somehow connected to this serpent that wraps around the Earth, an evil serpent, so anyone who picks up the hammers gets possessed and turns evil. So, you know the Red Skull from the…”

V: “What’s this have to do with Captain America and Bucky?”

R: “…. Ugh! I’m getting there! Hold on. You know the Red Skull from the movie?”

V: “Yeah.”

R: “Well, he has a daughter who’s name is Sin. She’s an evil b!tch who happens to have one of these hammers. So does Hulk and the Thing. So… Ah! Here’s what I was getting at. Bucky’s wearing Captain America’s uniform and …”

V: “I thought Bucky was dead?”

R: “No! NO!! Well… he was, but, remember? The Russians brought him back and…”

V: “Yeah, one armed sniper and spiders.”

R: “… Black Widows!! Ok, so, When Captain America was dead, Bucky..”

V: “Captain America’s dead? They just made a movie of him. Are you sure you know what you’re talking about? I’m totally confused now.”

R: “UGH! Yes I know what I’m talking about. … for the most part. Yeah, sure I’m missing some stuff here and there, but this stuff I know. So, Cap died when..”

V: “OH!! Yeah. He died in World War II, right?”

R: “um… no, not that time. Everyone thought he was dead, but he was just frozen for like 30 years. They brought him back in the 70s when the Avengers found him.”

V: “Wait. In the movie they said he was asleep for 70 years. You said 30.”

R: “Well, that’s because it was 30 years later in the ’70s.”

V: “Wait. … is that real time or comic time?”

R: “Both. … no wait.”

V: “You have no idea how stupid this sounds.”

R: “I do too, I complain about it all the time. Now listen, back in the 70s, when they bring Cap back, it was 70 years. But..”

V: “You mean 30.”

R: “Right, 30, WW II plus 30 years is 1970sish. But, in the movie, which is right here and now, it’s 70 years later! Got it?”

V: “Yeah, but what’s that have to do with Thor’s other hammers?”

R: “Sonofa… hold on, let me figure out where I was going with it. There’s a connection, it’s just hard to concentrate while running in this god forsaken muggy heat. And it’s only 7:00 am still! …. K, I got it. Cap comes back, joins the Avengers in the ’70s, and recently he gets killed and …”

V: “Wait, is this for real killed or assumed killed?”

R: “Well… I don’t really know, I never figured it out since I didn’t read that whole comic line. I don’t know if it was really him or some clone or god knows what, if he really died and something brought him back, but, regardless, for this story, he’s dead-dead. So, at some point Bucky comes in and ..”

V: “But I thought he was a bad guy for the Russians.”

R: “Well, yeah, he was, until he turned good again.”

V: “How’d that happen?”

R: “I don’t know, I missed that story line too.”

V: “And you’re supposed to know what you’re talking about?”

R: “Look, it’s like … comics are like a soap opera but cooler. You can be gone for years and come back and even though you have no idea what the hell is going on, you still have a good grasp of the fundamentals. You know that the old stuff still holds.”

V: “Like Bucky being dead?”

R: “GODDAMNIT! Will you just let me finish? So, in a friggin’ nutshell… Cap’s dead, Bucky’s cleared his head from the brainwashing and is now a good guy AND apparently somehow finds himself wearing Cap’s uniform, in place of Cap. So, he’s fighting off Sin, the Red Skull’s daughter, while Captain America, Steve Rogers is up with S.H.I.E.L.D. talking abo…”

V: “I thought Captain America was dead! You just said, ‘Cap’s dead and Bucky took his place.’”

R: “Ugh! Yeah, well nobody stays dead in the comics. He’s alive at this point.”

V: “Oh, like Batman?”

R: “Yeah, like Batman. And Superman.”

V: “How many times can they die?”

R: “Um… I don’t know. But I think the fans will only give them one chance and that’s it. … But Spider-Man died twice.. he just died in fact.. .but it was the Ultimate Spider-Man.”

V: “The skinny one?”

R: “Yeah.”

V: “Didn’t you say he had a clone and one of them died too?”

R: “Yeah, he died too, the clone, but Peter, and the readers, didn’t know till he died and turned to dust. … So, ANYWAYYY! … where the hell was I?”

V: “Cap’s dead, Bucky took his place, Cap’s alive, Bucky’s fighting the Red Skull’s daughter who has a hammer like Thor’s.”

R: “… wow, I’m impressed you managed to keep track of all that.”

V: “I’m a doctor, I need to know this stuff to stay cool with all the male doctors and medical students. So finish your story.”

R: “K, so…. um… oh yeah, Cap’s alive and he wants to get into the fight. In the mean time, Bucky’s getting the crap kicked out of him. He bashes Sin’s face with the shield, ‘BAMF!!’ And is coming in to decapitate her when she knocks him down and rips his arm off and blasts a hole through his chest. Bucky’s dead-dead-dead. Blue Beetle had a bullet put into his dead, so he’s dead-dead, same with Psycho Pirate where Black Adam explodes Pirate’s head by poking him in the eyes. .. so, it looks like, to me, that Bucky’s dead-dead-dead. … I give it a 80% chance of being permanent.”

V: “hmmm.. .three deads, that sounds permamanent. How can you tell if it’s permanent?”

R: “Um… good question. .. .I think 1) when you see the body, but that’s not a guarantee because we saw Robin’s body and Cap’s body, but not Bucky’s, and all three were dead and are now alive. And 2) …. if the wound is bad enough to the point where the reader goes, “Jesus Christ! Did you read this?” Then they’re pretty much dead. … at least a 65% chance of being dead-dead.”

V: “Wait… Robin’s dead?”

R: “OHJESUSCHRIST We’re not going there. No! No.”

V: “…..”

R: “Ok, so, Cap’s dead… I mean, Bucky’s now dead and there are these 7 planet buster hammers floating around in the hands of possessed heroes and villains. Big Big trouble. The deal is, it’s confusing. Totally confusing if you walked right in the middle of it. The only reason why I know is ’cause Debbie at Excalibur told me about the story and that I should buy them.”

V: “Yeah, you sound confused.”

R: “Shutup!”

V: “Well, if it’s so confusing, then maybe they should have a summary at the beginning of each comic of what’s going on.”

R: “Yeah, they already do that.”

V: “What? They do? Don’t you read it?”

R: “Pffft… no, nobody does. It’s boring.”

V: “You are such a dork! Here you are contemplating on one of the primary reasons why comics are decreasing in sales, referring to a major flaw in the comic publishers and writers and come to find out, they account for it, but you just don’t read it.”

R: “… it’s boring. I hate reading those things.”

V: “Don’t you think that if you read them that you just might understand the comic a little more?”

R: “…..”

R: “Well… yeah…..guess you’re right. … but the stories are still long, drawn out, big galactic, infinite crisis bullsh!t this or House of that! … it just keeps getting more and more convoluted to the point that the story itself is lost in all the convolutedness.”

V: “I don’t think ‘convolutedness’ is a word and I think you’re just being lazy. Didn’t you say that Blackest Night was a big hit? Wasn’t that convoluted? Did you read all of those comics?”

R: “Yeah, it was a big hit. … no, I didn’t get all of them either. The price of comics are freakin’ expensive! $3.99 for a Marvel comic!”

V: “…. wait, isn’t … wasn’t Blackest Night DC?”

R: “… well… yeah, but you still get my point! Look, the price of comics on top of convoluted, super-ark story lines that make you buy a bunch of comics you don’t want to buy compounded with where if you miss one friggin’ issue you’re totally lost, and those stupid ads for Go-Gurt and Spider-Man scateboards all comes down to a decrease in geeks who want to buy comics. That’s all I’m saying.”

V: “Sure took you a long enough time to say it. I still think you’re just being lazy and like to complain. Do all of you comic guys complain this much?  … So, tell me how Robin died.”

R: “No!”

V: “Awww… are you pouting? Do you need a hug?”

R: “No! Get away. You’re sweaty. Leamealone!!!”

*forced hug, then laughs*

R: “I’m still right! You just don’t understand ’cause you don’t have to put up with these writers.”

V: “Uh huh.”