No, no more talk of Steve the Sentient T-Shirt pile. Promise. Nope, not gonna’ talk about him. Nope. Even though he’s hanging his…upper-mass…right over my head as I type this, and…ugh…and there’s ….drool by the freakin’ quart…..running off my shoulders (gag)…I’m not gonna’ say ANYTHING more about…about nothing. Nothing to talk about here accept for the huge freakin’ bushel of new Junk Food T-Shirts thrown from the wagon! Thrown from the wagon pulled by centaurs and steered by homeless children from Parallel 72, fresh and newly emancipated from the slave-mills of Placenta Station 36! Take that, Morrison! Anyway, about those New Junk Food Tees….
The Thor Thunder Storm Junk Food T-Shirt is the ####. That’s right, it’s the!@#$ and , being the HUGE Thor fan that you are, you should probably purchase it. It’s from Junk Food and, besides it’s “Super-Mega-Opti-Qualitrication Factor,” it’s part of an EXTREMELY LIMITED PRINT RUN!! Did you catch that? I said: EXTREMELY LIMITED!!! Ahem. You should also buy it in preparation for the Thor Movie hitting Midgardian Theaters in a few short weeks. It’s currently being screened at the famed Swartlebjornigildabrune Theater in central Asgard. You can tell the reviews are favorable by the increased number of Frost Giant corpses littering Broxton, Oklahoma. Hell, there was one draped over the the condiments aisle at Milligan’s Home Town Grocer. Couldn’t get the the damn ketchup buried under it’s freakin’ 500 pound chin!
Yep, it’s the Flash I Get Around Junk Food T-Shirt. Yep. Why do I hear the giggling of 14 year old
boys when I wear this t-shirt? I don’t get it. I mean, the Flash is EXTREMELY fast! If he’s not careful, he could phase through a dimensional membrane and end up in a reality where you actually like the taste of cigars! Eewwww! Yes, he’s fast. He can be in Paris 15 seconds after he sets fire to your first tricycle. He traverses the globe faster than you can flush a toilet. This means: He gets around..as in: around to different locations, being that he’s fast and capable of switching locations in the blink of an otter’s eye. For that….insinuation… you’re referring to? The innuendo heavily inferred by you of the potty-mind? That Flash enjoys..the company of women? It’s all rumor and projection and conjecture and retread implication. Flash is a one woman guy. Oh, wait…his wife exists in multiple dimensions….
Ah, here we go; something true, trustworthy and noble. It’s the Captain America No Drugs Junk Food T-Shirt, and it’s got the Sentinel of Liberty slicing the hell out of the word, “Drug,” representing, of course, his no nonsense stance on the purchasing or consumption of illegal , mind altering pharmaceutical compositions. So, when some guy’s waiting at the bottom of the stairs inside your apartment complex, spouting the words, “It’ll make you feel good,” affected with a surreal echo, make sure to do what Cap does: Slice the guy in half with a freakin’ trash can lid! Yep. Well, do that after you grant this person an emphatic, “NO!” Now, this is a Junk Food T-shirt. What that means to you is: Purchase now. Why now? Because the damn things can’t be reordered! Because they’re part of an extremely limited print run! Because…..drugs are only a little less harmful than a vibranium shield through the calf!
Okay, now we got Chewbacca rockin’ out to Def Leppard on his…Walkman…right here on the Star Wars Headbanger Triblend Junk
Food T-Shirt. Yeah, it’s a Walkman. Because, in the Star Wars universe, the ability to traverse the galaxies in bursts of post-light speed exists side by side with the storage of music on 2 spindles and tightly would ribbon! Yep. And why Def Leppard? Remember that time when the one-armed drummer, after 17 days of heavy drinking, slipped headlong into a well and woke up on Tatooine? Guess how he managed to pay Han Solo to get him the hell off that barren planet? That’s right, he got together with the boys from the local Cantina, taught them the first few bars to “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” and the rest, as they say…is alternate history. Oh, this is a Junk Food t-shirt that’s extremely soft, of the highest quality and so freakin’ limited it may just…”rocket” it’s way off the shelves, never to be seen again. Get it? How I used a Def Leppard song title there? What is that? Is that a…? Put the tomato DOWN!
Ah, today’s last t-shirt. It’s the Spiderman Who Wants Some Junk Food T-Shirt, and it’s…it’s some very uncharacteristic Spiderman. Usually, Spiderman spends his days avoiding rocks thrown by schoolchildren, avoiding his landlord, avoiding the armored tails/tendrils of various, animal-themes sociopaths and avoiding….well, basically avoiding anything good. And at the end of a long day, after (unsuccessfully) avoiding those aspects of his sorry existence, he sits on his bead, rubs his bruises and has himself a nice, long cry. Well, not anymore, True Believer. NOT ANYMORE! Today, Spiderman takes one of those snarly kids by the tongue and hurls ‘em through the school bus! Today, Spiderman takes his landlord by the tongue and hurls him through a Snow Cone machine and a gaggle of 15 Japanese tourists! Today, Spiderman takes Green Goblin by the tongue, hurls him off a bridge, webs his neck and tugs it violently. SNAP! And thus endeth like, a 20 year guilt-trip. Don’t even look at the guy. And for the love of gravy, don’t show him your tongue! It’s Spiderman. On a Junk Food T-shirt. Supreme quality. Exemplary craftsmanship. Extremely limited! BUY NOW!
Tiras is….. out! He gets around! HUZZZAH!
Romita Junior! It’s got Spiderman waxing Superhero with his best friend, Bill the Stone Gargoyle, pelted by the rather inclement elements and crying. Spiderman does a lot of that. That’s the key if you’re going up against him. In the midst of battle, just say the word “rent;’ the guy will double over and shriek like a 15 year old girl receiving a text from Robert Pattinson. Just like that. Anyway, it’s a cool Spiderman t-shirt and you really should own it. You really, really should. Really. It’s the 
Now, something for the ladies. Yep, it’s the 
the cover image to…Batman Detective Comics issue #821! Coincidence?? NO!! This is a a great reproduction of some Simone Bianchi artwork; that alone is reason enough to own this puppy. Oh, and here’s another: Batman’s cool as ####!!! So, ladies……what are you waiting for? You like Batman, right? Good. Thank you. Uh….you can make your purchase now.
Have I mentioned there’s a Thor movie coming out? You’ll be sitting in the theater on May 6th, adorned with 3-D glasses and screaming, “Forthwith,” and, “Thou-thusly,” at the screen until someone very much like a Frost Giant asks you to take your dogs and claw hammer out of the theater. Since you’re a few weeks away from your first set of criminal charges and, you DO happen to like Thor, how about you make the 
Superman is concerned about many things, specifically humanity’s safety. Sometimes, to really think about how best to assist us, he just needs to gets the hell away from all the white noise and toxic thinking! 
T-Shirt
And, ooooh….looky here! It’s Batman walking from the draping shadow, contrasted by the splatter of bats and suffused with Gothic pretense in the
adorned by one Ted Kord! Ah, good old Ted Kord. He liked to kid around. Lots. Sometimes, he and Booster Gold would get together and attempt to make ridiculous amounts of money at the expense of other super-people. Or, Blue Beetle and Booster would get together and attempt to make ridiculous amounts of money by applying little or no thought, effort or creativity into..well, anything. It was beer, pizza, Football and making fun of Guy’s face after Batman ####-slapped him in a singular strike! It was the eyes crossing that really brought out the louder bwah-hah-hawing. Classic Blue and Gold, baby.
Steve Rogers. Man, he was Captain America for a very long time, but now, he’s been recently promoted to Captain of the freakin” Super Hero community! And this time, it’s official! So, Steve handed off the Cap threads to his recently resurrected bud, Bucky, and stepped into the shiny shoes of the fella’ in charge! What’s he wearing these days? Well…something very much like the 
quick look back at the classic source material with the 
You took a trip to the Ultimate iteration of the Marvel Universe just in time to see Magneto beat the living #### out of planet Earth! Well, Ultimate planet Earth. The collected heroes of the Ultimate Universe didn’t know what the hell to do. Noble souls perished and others were tested beyond their ability to….be tested. You saw the destruction. You witnessed the rampage of a slightly vindictive Man-god as he bitch-slapped the magnetic poles and perverted the coursing faults. And yes, the only thing all your surviving got you was this lousy 
start in miniature first then work your way up to constructing the full size murder-meteor? This 
And…got time to squeeze in one more from the slightly more condensed form of Steve the sentient t-shirt tower: Check out the
So, first and foremost in this preposterous procession of newly processed product is…
Irish Flag Symbol T-Shirt
dodging other various, sucker-punch incendiaries. You’re just so..you’re just so witty! To celebrate your murderous means and your comedic intent, we offer our more tolerant consumers the 
And, ending with the Norse-theme that really wasn’t a theme, making this more of a …recurrence…. we bring you, gentle, unusually tolerant customer, the 
You like Green Lantern? How about….drinking? Coffee, I mean. Yeah. Well, we married your two very obvious desires to give you the 
mean…lunch. Yeah? Well, then, the 
particularly admired superhero..? How about the 
