Man alive. We received t so many freakin’ t-shirts recently that…well, we noticed the strange, possibly related disappearances of some of our warehouse employees. I swear I heard muffled grunts or cries coming from the new t-shirt- pile named Steve, but he claims he hasn’t heard anything. And then, strangely enough, Steve burps. Yeah, Steve became self aware after about the 400th tee got piled on the cap of his jumbled, 100% cotton berg. He cries a little each time we remove a tee from his rotund, sleeve-flapping form to fill an order. It’s…a little creepy. So….what new shirts are we excising from the sentient pile of tees named Steve? Read the hell on, brave…reader!
Steve Rogers. Man, he was Captain America for a very long time, but now, he’s been recently promoted to Captain of the freakin” Super Hero community! And this time, it’s official! So, Steve handed off the Cap threads to his recently resurrected bud, Bucky, and stepped into the shiny shoes of the fella’ in charge! What’s he wearing these days? Well…something very much like the Steve Rogers Super Soldier Symbol T-Shirt! Yep, it’s a t-shirt’s attempt at reproducing the uniform he dons currently. Well, the top part of it, anyway. Now that Cap’s, er…Steve’s head of …I still think it’s SHIELD….he’s gonna’ take Hydra by the sparkling ones and….KA-POW! It’s like being punched with America the fist! That was…pretty bad. Sorry.
HEY!! You know there’s a Thor movie comin’ out, right? Of course you do. Now, let’s take a
quick look back at the classic source material with the Thor Vs Loki Distressed 30 Single T-Shirt! It’s Thor! It’s Loki! They don’t get along! At all! I mean, how funny can the Whoopie Cushion of Swartlevanelheim be after Thor sits on it for like, the 15 millionth time? By the look on Thor’s face earlier this afternoon, one could conclude…it’s not really funny at all. Anyway, this classic, purposely distressed image is adorning a soft t-shirt made with a higher thread count (30 Single), making it…soft.
You took a trip to the Ultimate iteration of the Marvel Universe just in time to see Magneto beat the living #### out of planet Earth! Well, Ultimate planet Earth. The collected heroes of the Ultimate Universe didn’t know what the hell to do. Noble souls perished and others were tested beyond their ability to….be tested. You saw the destruction. You witnessed the rampage of a slightly vindictive Man-god as he bitch-slapped the magnetic poles and perverted the coursing faults. And yes, the only thing all your surviving got you was this lousy March on Ultimatum Saga One Shot Cover T Shirt! It’s the cover to the the March On Ultimatum one-shot richly rendered by the one, the only, David Finch! Everything he draws is so…it’s like every surface is cratered in order to collect more shadow! AHHH!
YES! I know!! I mentioned New Star Wars T-Shirts! Relax! Here we go! Wanna’ know how to build your own Death Star? Maybe 
start in miniature first then work your way up to constructing the full size murder-meteor? This Star Wars Death Star Specs 30 Single T-Shirt may help you do just that. Or….maybe it won’t. I mean, I really don’t see any of the required building materials listed here. Guess I’m stuck with…compact discs, egg cartons and glass-screened TV’s until more Space Legos become available. Sigh. Anwyay, these so called “specifications” are printed on a tee with a higher thread count (30 Single), meaning this is a softer-than-average t-shirt!
And…got time to squeeze in one more from the slightly more condensed form of Steve the sentient t-shirt tower: Check out the Star Wars Distressed # 52 Cover 30 Single T-Shirt! It’s silver! It’s soft! It features a purposely distressed take on the cover image to Star Wars issue #52! You rember that issue, right? Darth Vader kicked the #### out of some Rebel from across the room without laying a hand on the guy. Then, Darth Vader threw the Millennium Falcon across the room without,…uh..laying a hand on it. It was crazy stuff. Oh yeah, I read it. Yep. Anyway, if you needed to follow the adventures of your favorite characters from the classic film, the Marvel Comic series was your ticket back to Alderaan! Well…Alderaan’s gone, so….Tatooine! Your ticket back to Tatooine and all the space (s) in between!!
All right, I’m out. Got work to do, employees to harass and a starving, anomalous t-shirt mass requesting lunch. You know what, Steve? Until you give me back the 2 people from second shift…you can just #### off! Ooooo. I just went Marvel Max on you there.
