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MARVEL WTF ARE YOU THINKING???

Friday, January 21st, 2011

spiderman-movie

written by Ronando

Dear Marvel;

If this is real, assuming that it is, and it’s just god awful enough to be real, do you idiots go out of your frackin’ way to screw shite up? What, WHAT in thee HELL are you thinking? Are you unable to see what’s wrong here? Ugh, there’s just so much that’s bad here, I don’t even know where to start.

Sure you fooled us with the image below, sure we could have accepted the altered costume and funky stuff on the abs, and we could have even been talked into no red waist band, and even your OH-SO-WRONG WEB-SHOOTERS, but, the travesty that you have above is just unprecedented horse crap.

Get with it! Start making some serious geek worthy films on a continuous basis or get the hell out of dodge.

spidermovie

Recent addition: In light of everyone whining, “But it’s SONY who’s responsible, not Marvel! SONY OWNS the license, blah blah blah, without any consideration to the role Marvel plays in responsibility and accountability. Our lawyer verified our initial statement that as the actual license OWNER, Marvel has final say in what happens to their intellectual property. Sony is just “renting” the option to make a Spider-Man movie. ANYTHING SONY does HAS TO be verified and approved by Marvel.

“I would agree with you that ULTIMATELY the Licensor retains approval over any products / properties, such as films, that the Licensee wishes to create and market. Merely having a license gives Licensee’s unlimited or unrestricted APPROVAL rights over the end products. Licensors generally very carefully monitor product development and contractually retain the rights to check off on all final products PRIOR to their release. Most contracts have language to that effect.”

Should Joe Quesada be Fired For What He’s Done to Spider-Man?

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

I Just Want To Forget...

I Just Want To Forget...

Even though I don’t remember the exact day, I remember that the month was August and the year was 2000. Why do I remember this month and year so well? Because this was the month and year that comic book artist Joe Quesada was hired as the new Editor in Chief of Marvel Comics. I remember discussing with fellow geeks at my local comic book store about how excited we were about this brave new move.

Mephisto Joe Quesada

Mephisto Joe Quesada

For Marvel fans everywhere, the feeling we felt might be compared to the same feeling Democrats across the country felt when Obama was elected President in 2008. This was because we felt Joe Quesada was finally bringing a ray of light during a very dark period in Marvel Comics history. See, when the 1990s hit, the comic industry started taken a dive, and in 1996 Marvel filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. It wasn’t until August of 2000 when Marvel started recovering from the scare.

If that weren’t enough, the 1990’s also saw a “Clone Saga” in the Spider-Man books, a teenage Tony Stark running around as Iron Man in the Avengers books, and other controversial storylines that polarized fans and led to decreases in sales on many of Marvel’s flagship books. So, like many fans at the time, I felt that Joe Quesada’s charisma and creativity that he displayed in the books that he was drawing and editing at the time (Daredevil, Black Panther, etc.) was exactly what Marvel needed to come out of this hole that they had dug themselves in to. And, for at least a little while, Joe Quesada did actually manage to dig Marvel back up and out of that abysmal hole.

During the first six years in his tenure as E.I.C., Quesada oversaw controversial yet insanely popular storylines such as Civil War, House of M, and others. Sales were up, fans were happy, and Marvel Comics was enjoying a renaissance period after the Dark Ages of the 1990’s. That is, until the autumn of 2007 rolled around.

One More day

One More day

This was the time where Joe Quesada decided to put his own personal interests in front of the interests of the fans who butter his bread; hence the reason “One More Day” dawned on us. For those who may not know, “One More Day” was a storyline that ran through the Spider-Man books in 2007 where Peter Parker made the conscious decision to sell his marriage to Mephisto (who is the Marvel Universe’s version of the Devil) in exchange for the life of his Aunt May, who was dying at the time from injuries inflicted by a shotgun.

“After his Aunt May has been shot, Spider-Man seeks help to save her life. He encounters the demon Mephisto, who offers to save her life if Spider-Man gives him his marriage. Spider-Man and his wife Mary Jane Watson agree, and this part of their history is erased so that, effectively, they have never been married. The storyline set the stage for a restructuring of the Spider-Man titles, resulting in the cancellation of Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man and The Sensational Spider-Man, with Amazing Spider-Man revamped as a thrice-monthly publication.

The decision to abruptly end Peter Parker and Mary Jane’s marriage and the events of “One More Day” were heavily criticized upon the series’ conclusion, although the artwork received praise. wikipedia

Amazing Spider-Man 545
Amazing Spider-Man 545

This was all done due to Joe Quesada’s eerily extreme hatred for Peter’s marriage. You can read his rant about how much he hates the marriage here at CBR.com. At that moment Quesada imposed his own personal vision of how the Spider-Man universe “should” be onto the loyal fans who’ve followed Peter and MJ over the years, without presumably thinking, for one moment, about the desires of those same fans who were the ones responsible for Marvel’s recovery as well as making Joe Quesada financially well off.

“One More Day” was the shotgun blow to the stomach. What happened next was nothing short of an evisceration as Peter continued on with his life after his agreement with Mephisto, as if his 20 years of marriage (1987-2007) to Mary Jane never even existed. But Joe didn’t stop there! No, 0n top of that, Peter had no job, no house (he lived upstairs in his Aunt May’s home, again). He had nothing! It was like all the character development that had been made with Peter in the last 20-30 years up until 2007 was now obliterated, wiped clean, as if we the reader had made the same exact agreement Mephisto MADE WITH Peter.

From then on out, the Spidey-books were back to the status quo of the 1960’s and 1970’s. This “new” era of Spider-Man continuity is dubbed “Brand New Day”, in reference to the fact that it’s a brand new continuity. To make things even more bizarre, a new love interest is introduced in Peter’s life named “Carlie Cooper”, who is also rumored to share the same name with Joe Quesada’s daughter. Think Joe Q. might be getting just a little bit too personal with Marvel’s flagship character now?

Carlie Cooper

Carlie Cooper

Fast-forward three years later to the autumn of 2010. Spidey book sales are the lowest they have been in years, which you can read about here. Apparently, fans are still resentful about the fact that the marriage was “magically” erased with thirty years of character development flushed down the toilet.

Joe Quesada then makes an announcement that “Brand New Day” is ending in Amazing Spider-Man #647, which can be read here. The clouds suddenly parted and the rays of heaven had shown as many fans, including myself, took this to mean that Peter and Mary Jane were getting back together, and that Peter was getting his old life back . This horrible continuity, hatched by the evil Mephisto and his twin goblin brother, Joe Quesada, was finally coming to an end with a wooden stake in it’s heart!

I Want Your Love

I Want Your Love

… And like all horror movies the bad guys, and bad stories, JUST DON’T DIE! After reading Amazing Spider-Man #647 last week, pretty much nothing’s changed; Mary Jane is still out of the picture, Carlie Cooper is still Peter’s love interest, and Peter is still unemployed. So how is Joe Quesada able to tell us “Brand New Day” is ending, when pretty much the entire status quo of BND is still intact?  How come we’re still giving Marvel our money for this mundane mediocrity? How come fans aren’t asking for Joe Quesada’s head!? Or at least his job?

I don’t know about you but for me, as a consumer of Marvel Comics, I feel like someone has pissed on my leg and then tried to tell me that my leg is wet because it’s raining. Well you know what? It ain’t raining Joe, and I want my $3.99, times a hundred, back! Peter and Mary Jane were the Clark Kent and Lois Lane of Marvel. They had the kind of strong and almost magical chemistry that few couples in the history of comic books, and even real life, have ever had.

For twenty years, Mary Jane was Peter’s rock, and I felt they complimented each other in a way that no couple in the history of comic books, not even Clark and Lois, have ever been able to do. So, for all that to be taken away in one panel and for me to spend my emotional and financial investment over the last three years, waiting for this whole mess to be retconned only to be misled by Joe Quesada is a giant kick in my face while my wallet is emptied. I’m now convinced that Brand New Day will NEVER end as long as Joe Quesada remains Chief Creative Officer.

So, how about it, fellow comic geeks? Do you feel like I do, that Peter Parker’s character has taken a step backwards since One More Day? Is Joe Quesada acting in the interest of the fans, or even in Marvel’s best interest, or is he really just interjecting his own personal agenda, his own twisted vision of Spider-Man without thinking about what the fans want? Most importantly, Should Joe Quesada be set free from his responsibilities at Marvel’s helm or maybe even step down from his post as Chief Creative Officer based on what he’s done to Spider-Man’s character? What do YOU think?

One More Day: MJ & Spidey

One More Day: MJ & Spidey

Written by Douglas Appich

Retro Comics – Spider-Man Amazing Fantasy #15 cont.

Saturday, September 18th, 2010

Amazing Fantasy #15 Continued, featuring the origin of Spider-Man. For the Marvel and Spidey fans. The cool thing about these old comics from decades ago is that they had these cute, innocent, now-nostalgic ads featuring Atlas type exercise routines and X-Ray vision glasses.

Another cool thing is that they had these other little 3-5 page side stories as padding. Amazing Fantasy #15 had “The Bell-Ringer,” “The Man in the Mummy Case” and “There Are Martians Among Us!”

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part 3 >>

Retro Comics – Spider-Man Amazing Fantasy #15

Friday, September 17th, 2010

We thought it’d be fun to put up some old comics for you guys to read, kinda like the Sunday comics.  What better place to start than with Amazing Fantasy #15! The birth of Spider-Man.

Peter Parker gets bit by the radioactive spider, gains his powers, seeks fame and fortune only to find his selfishness has indirectly contributed to the death of his Uncle Ben.

We’re thinking of posting these oldies for Marvel fans to enjoy. Let us know what you think.

part 2 >>

Amazing Fantasy #15 Cover Amazing Fantasy #15 - 2
Amazing Fantasy #15 - 3 Amazing Fantasy #15 - 4
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part 2 >>

Memorable Moments In Comics: Spiderman Body Slamming Dr. Doom

Sunday, August 15th, 2010
Spiderman Body Slamming Doom

Spiderman Body Slamming Doom

Rarely do we ever get to see Doom man-handled in such a manner by someone like good ol’ Spidey. It’s truly refreshing and even though Spidey, inevitably, ends up running for his very life, he still got one good shot off.

The story starts off with the Black Fox, a notorious European jewel thief, (Imagine Colonel Sanders dressed in tights and leather jacket) selling a huge green emerald he stole from the Monaco Museum., which had a special display of heirlooms borrowed from the royal families of Europe.

What the old Fox doesn’t know is that the green monster gem is called the Dragon’s Egg and belonged to “the most powerful sorceress and most wonderful woman, this planet has ever known.” … which just so happens to be Dr. Doom’s mother.

Holy Christ!” is right.

Black Fox Cornered

Black Fox Cornered

After fencing the dragon’s Egg, Fox steals The Trask Diamond, foils Spidey and gets away, or so he thinks as Doom’s men are closing in on him.  As usual, Spidey leaves his hot supermodel wife, MJ, alone in their apartment (wearing a silky little slinky thing… a teddy or cami or one of any number of things that women wear at night that guys like but have no idea what their called) while he goes looking for the Black Fox, which just so happens to have a limousine, with diplomatic plates, pursuing him as well.

Spidey catches up to Fox (at a deserted bankrupt resort) trying to sell the Trask Diamond to a Japanese “businessman” with armed guards. After foiling the deal, beating up the guards and loosing a briefcase full of cash into the air, Spidey corners Fox in an empty swimming pool. At the exact same time Doom does.

Doom moves in for the kill. Spidey Thwips a line to Doom’s arm to slow him down and Doom responds with a power blast making reinforcing Peter’s regret at starting a scrap with Doom.

Spidey Regrets His TWIP

Spidey Regrets His TWIP

Fox makes a run for it, only to be blocked by boulders that appear out of apparently nowhere, but were really from Doom’s Molecular expander (don’t ask).  The Fox is cornered once again, this time on his knees since he has to explain that he’s already sold the Dragon’s Egg.  Doom threatens Fox one last time,

“For your sake old man, I hope you’re lying! for i’ll have that Jewel… or your heart in its stead!”

Spidey Pancakes Doom SPLAK!

Spidey Pancakes Doom SPLAK!

Doom Attacks Back

Doom Attacks Back

And this is right where Spidey escalates the entire farce to the Memorable Moment where he grabs Doom, presumably by his cloak, and flings him across the empty pool into it’s concrete wall.

A hilariously, ungraceful handling of the Latvarian tyrant. The proverbial s*** is going to hit the fan.

Spidey tries to put some distance between him and Doom, but to no avail. Doom opens fire with a fist full of high powered finger tip lasers.

Ouch!

Ouch!

Doom aims his finger laser at Fox, preparing to cut his legs out from under him, (you DO NOT want to cross Doom). Spidey, yet again, intervenes, grabs Doom’s arm, and yet again gets knocked through a wall.

Black Fox escapes while Doom was thrashing Spiderman, which is impressive even to Doom as he thought bubbles, “Gone! And research into his methods indicates  that the Fox is a canny foe, a master of evasion! He’s somehow even jamming my armor’s scanning devices.”

Doom is now pissed. He monologues to Spidey regarding how the Dragon’s Egg ended up in The Black Fox’s hands and how Spidey needs to have his wrist slapped (to a pulp) for interfering and moves in for the kill. Casually slapping away a cutting board thrown at him by Spidey (not the flat kind you use to cut your onions on but the big island kind that rich folk have in their big kitchens that weigh a ton.) Doom then fires a power blast at Peter, who was unfortunately crouching right in front of a gas stove.

The entire kitchen explodes with a terrific “BWA-OOOOM!

BRA-OOOOM!

BRA-OOOOM!

Spidey’s ready to crumble. If his suit is indicative of his physical state, he’s a devastated mess barely able to stay inches away from death by Doom’s hand. Which speaks volumes of Doom’s prowess since Spidey is no slacker … but notice the tuft of hair spurting comically out of his suit.

one more bout through the gym room where Spidey is still running but luckily manages to bring down a rack of heavy barbells atop Doom who is REALLY starting to get pissed! He fires off on more power blast and Spidey takes off running for his life. He’s had enough, game over.

But it’s not game over. Doom can fly and corners Spidey. They have some words and Spidey manages to reason with Doom, asking for 24 hours to get the diamond himself. We pan back to Fox, the next day, who’s just found out the fence he sold the Dragon’s Egg to has just fenced it to another person.

Fox freaks! And offers him everything for the name of the client who bought the emerald. In the mean time, Peter has some sort of concussion causing him to have delusional, yet revelatory, conversations with his deceased Uncle Ben, right before passing out.

That night Fox is on the path to get the emerald back, with Spidey glued to his tail. The buyer is “Carpathian.” (which, on a side note, and coincidentally is the name of a mountainous region in Eastern Europe that is directly related to a fictional race called the Carpathians that drink blood and are related to Dracula some how. I’m reading a book called The historian right now and it just so happens to mention the Carpathians.)

To make a long story short Carpathian wants to use the Dragon’s Egg to power a device that will bring back a swarm of bugs to Earth to kill millions of people.  Fox and Spidey bust in, get in a fight, bullets fly, the device is activated, the swarm is starting to materialize, all hell is breaking loose, and then a wall explodes, revealing Doom, looking for mamma’s egg. ‘

Spidey saves the day, grabs the egg, hands it back to Doom, who spares Fox’s life and Spidey leads Fox to jail.

David Michelinie was the writer, Erik Larsen the penciler.  This is an enjoyable book, a fun read. I think if you’re a fan of Spidey, Doom or even MJ’s undies, you won’t go wrong with grabbing this one for your collection.

Spider-Man Vs. Doctor Doom Cover

Spider-Man Vs. Doctor Doom Cover

Memorable Moments In Comics: Death Of Gwen Stacy

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

Death of Gwen Stacy

Death of Gwen Stacy

The scene is atop the George Washington Bridge. The Green Goblin has kidnapped Gwen and left a pumpkin bomb, or “one of Goblin’s Lanterns,” atop Gwen’s handbag as a calling card for Spidey to find in his apartment.

Death Of Gwen

Death Of Gwen

The stage is set, players on their marks, and Gobbie opens up:

“Spider-Man! Or should I say– Mister Parker? I have your WOMAN up here, my friend– I trust you understand what that means? …. Your presence in this world has been a source of constant Agony to me. I wish you to leave it– Permanently. Or else… Gwen Stacy Dies!”

The Green Goblin’s threat is critical to what happens next. There’s been a lot of conjecture regarding Stacy’s death; did Spidey really kill her or was she already dead by the hands of the Goblin.  Either Green Goblin’s is threatening with the truth, and Gwen is alive, or he’s lying and Gwen is already dead.  But, as we all know supervillain types are consistent in at least one area; they simply do not go through all of their insane efforts and plot twists simply to have only an empty threat to throw at the hero.

No, they have plot twists and traps, and yes plenty of lies, but the lies are there to lead the hero further into the trap. In this scenario, Spidey is already at the climax of the story, he is confronting the villain, right where Goblin wants him. Goblin wants the throw down, so he isn’t lying because it simply doesn’t help him move the plot along. It doesn’t help his cause to have Stacy already dead.

Death Of Gwen Stacy - Drugs

Death Of Gwen Stacy - Drugs

Why is this story so successful? It’s an awesome story for two reasons; 1) the prelude leading up to this point is socially relevant and mirrors the times with continual references of drug use, and 2) this one scene , of Gwen dying, is the nail in the coffin for Peter’s guilt. Spiderman needs Peter to wallow in pain, it’s what pushes Spiderman to continue doing the right thing, for we all know, “With great power comes the fact that if you sit on your ass or think of yourself for just one second, someone you love will die and it’s all your fault, you Shmuck!”

Early in the story Spiderman follows some cops to a scene where a black kid, “stoned right out of his mind,” is about to jump off a building.  Spidey saves the kid, hand him to the cops and for once, actually manages to show up on time for one of MJ’s Off-Broadway gig.

Drugs (pills),keep popping (no pun intended) up in the story as Harry continues to take LSD to help him through his anxiety over the whole MJ fawning over Peter thing that’s going on.  Although it’s pathetic watching Harry wallow in his drug induced jealousy, it’s nice to see Peter smack around a cheesy looking drug dealer and his two thugs while out of costume.

Fight With Dealers 1

Fight With Dealers 1

Fight With Dealers 2

Fight With Dealers 2

Gwen’s death set a new tone in comics where previously it would have been unthinkable to kill off such an important character, the hero’s girlfriend, but Stan took comic readers into a more mature story setting where people die and stay dead for good, leaving a wake of pain and misery in their passing. This one story is part of the transition from the Silver Age of comics to the Bronze age.

Stan Lee and Gerry Conway were the writers on board for this story line while John Romita Sr. and Gil kane did the art, which is fantastic by the way.   What’s nicely done here is how they were able to get to the poignant truth good job of naturally entwining a relevant message regarding drugs not being just a ghetto problem, into a Spidey story without getting all preachy like all of those those  socially relevant comics are put out by special interest groups to “stop smoking” or “just say no to drugs,” or “don’t talk to strangers,” or “Jesus Loves You,” or “Stop! Drop! Roll!”

Even though Norman isn’t on drugs, his transformation into the Green Goblin is what causes him to leave his troubled reality behind. Where LSD is Harry’s addiction, the Goblin is Norman’s drug of choice.  The Goblin is powerful, Norman is weak, the Goblin can fly and is free to kill, while Norman’s stock is plummeting and his son has entered a drug induced schizophrenia.

And when the Goblin bubbles to the surface, yet again, hell bent on killing Parker, it is Gwen Stacy he finds in Peter and Harry’s apartment, taking us back to the kidnapping scene again. The scene is atop the George Washington Bridge. The Green Goblin has kidnapped Gwen and left a pumpkin bomb, or “one of Goblin’s Lanterns,” atop Gwen’s handbag as a calling card for Spidey to find.

Spidey catches up to the Goblin and gets one good punch in, forcing the Goblin to plummet to the river below while he swings to where Gwen is at, atop a pillar on the bridge.  But Osborn is too quick, he reunites with his glider, flies up to Gwen just as Spidey reaches her, and knock’s her off the pillar top.

Spiderman manages to shoot off a line of webbing, hoping to “stop her fall before she hits the water!” which he manages to do, but if you look closely you can see the little “snap” right behind her neck.  This is where Gwen dies. Spiderman accidentally broke Gwen’s neck while trying to save her.

spider-man_death-of-gwen-stacy-snap

But here’s the problem. It would have been fine if Stan left it at that. But he didn’t. the next words spoken by the Goblin are criticle:

Romantic IDIOT! she was dead before your webbing reached her! A fall from that height would kill anyone—- before they struck the ground!

Romantic Idiot

Romantic Idiot

Now, again, a critical moment for this could be interpreted a couple of different ways. It could mean that Gwen was actually dead by the hands of the Goblin, as seen by the first part of the statement, “she was dead before your webbing reached her!” But, Gobbie’s second sentence invalidates it by having Gwen’s death contingent on the height of the fall, “A fall from that height would kill anyone—- before they struck the ground!

I happen to think that Stan made a mistake. I think he was under the impression that a fall from that height would kill a person through.. ohhh… I don’t know… some misconceived notion of asphyxiation while falling? It’s the only thing that can account for both sentences because they simply just do not add up. And besides, a note on the letters page of The Amazing Spider-Man #125 states: “It saddens us to say that the whiplash effect she underwent when Spidey’s webbing stopped her so suddenly was, in fact, what killed her.”

Kill You Goblin!

Kill You Goblin!

And, for the first time in comics, the roles are reversed. Normally we see the supervillain attempt to do “X,” a crime of some sort, his plans are unfortunately thwarted by the hero, the villain has something bad happen to him because of his foiled attempt at doing X, like going to prison, so the villain then blames (and curses) the hero while shaking fist in air.  But, this time we see the hero cursing the villain for his own actions. “You killed the woman I love! And for that, you’re going to die!”And it’s Spidey who is left shaking his fist in the air.

Goblin Dead

Goblin Dead

The one last thing that Stan got right was that Spiderman did have his vengeance. Norman does die, just like you saw in the movie, by his own hands impaled on the end of his damaged glider . As a comic reader, it gets to be quite the cliche to see contrived conflict where the villain, eg. the Joker, continue to commit crime after crime only to never be properly punished for his crimes. And deep down, we want to see some form of justice, some sort of balancing of the scales, some form of comic karma or tit-for-tat, for god’s sake, a little bit of what our parents always taught us, “what goes around comes around” in the superhero universe. Stan delivers.

Gwen is dead, but we saw justice as Norman got himself crucified on the end of his glider, so Peter is left to go on living with the guilt, a husk of a man… but there is more? With each death there is a new birth; we see MJ stepping up to the plate.

Throughout the whole story line she’s been flirting ruthlessly with Peter, and in the end he gives her her due tongue thrashing… but she doesn’t walk. As Peter crumples and goes fetal in pain, Mary Jane slowly and consciously closes the door, with her still in the room, possibly making this the first real commitment in her life to somebody other than herself. She’s choosing to be with Peter, to help fill that void that, they both feel. Yes, Tiger did hit the jackpot.

Enter MJ

Enter MJ

The entire story is enough to make you cry.

Featuring the talents of Stan Lee, Gerry Conway, John Romita Sr. and Gil Kane.

Spider-Man Reboot – New Writer On Deck

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010
Spider-Man

Spider-Man

We mentioned before that Dunst and Toby were getting booted, along with Sam Raimi, and that the Spidey franchise was getting rebooted. Well, it looks like Marvel and Sony got themselves a new (old) writer!

Alvin Sargent, screen writer for the original Spider-Man movie series, has signed on to ruin what the reboot was designed to save in the first place.  Why do I say that? … cause he’s one of the same friggin’ writers who ruined the initial Spider-Man movies in the first place!! That’s why.  Come on people. It doesn’t take much to realize that the written story is what makes the movie, given that you have decent talent to act the parts, but no amount of great acting will save a film from ruin if the writing just sucks Mcnuggets!

Word on the street is that it will be “more emotionally anchored and realistic than the previous movies.” …. What in the HAIL does that mean? … More emotionally anchored? Does that mean we won’t see emo-Peter dancing in bars? Or crying? (please god NO!).

More realistic? … Look, there’s two types of reality in superhero movies; the reality that allows us to suspend our disbelief, like a man flying or climbing walls or actually doing something to stop criminals, and then there’s the stupid reality that stupid writers dream up that would never work in real life, like… Superman fighting a radioactive bad guy on the moon, or Richard Prior going to computer night school and hacking into anything with a keyboard, or even something closer to home, like a guy in face paint forcing the mayor to lock down the city so nobody leaves or enters… for their own safety. (Gasp, did I just criticize Heath Ledger and the Dark Knight? Sacrilege!)

So, god-only-knows what “emotionally anchored” and “realistic” means with these guys.  This all came from the Hollywood Reporter by the way.  They also said that, “Peter Parker will be a 17-year-old high school kid struggling with shifting hormones and an outsider status.” Ok, aside from the shifting hormones, the “outsider status” is right on point, with respect to the original story.  You can read (and then buy) the digital comic here at Marvel if you’re interested in catching a glimpse of history.  Just click on the “play” button.

So, sure Sargent has a writing resume a mile long.  So what!  Did that stop George Lucas or Steven Spielberg from ruining my life? Look, if he was part of the problem back then, I highly doubt that he’ll be rebooting the franchise to a great start.  But, I hope I’m wrong.  Also, Marc Webb — the director of “(500) Days of Summer” — is supposed to be directing, but still no word on who’s playing emo Peter.

… and oh! It’s going to be made in 3D.  Mother F#@!$##$@^.  We went to go see Clash of the Titans couple weeks ago.  The ticket guy said, “That’ll be $27 dollars.”  I said, “No, only two tickets… two!”  He responded, “…. uh huh… $27 dollars.”  Forgetting that I had mastered basic subtraction, addition and even division back in Mrs. Morrison’s 5th grade class a bajillion years ago, I quickly asked, “…er… how much is each ticket?”  He looks at the screen and says, “$13.50.”  My only appropriate response was to put my card back in my wallet, which went back in my pants, and said, “We’re not paying that.”  My wife and I then went to rent Inglorious Bastards and something else that I don’t recall, .. think it was foreign.  So, No, I won’t be paying $13.50 for a 3D movie when a perfectly good 2D movie was perfectly good 6 months ago.  It was even perfectly good for Avatar.

Stupid 3D!

You can check out our Spidey merchandise here.

Director Marc Webb (500) Days of Summer To Direct Spider-Man Franchise

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010
(500) Days of Summer Director Takes On Spider-Man Fanchise

(500) Days of Summer Director Takes On Spider-Man Fanchise

The next chapter in the Spider-Man franchise will be directed by Marc Webb, the director of the Golden Globe nominated Best Picture (500) Days of Summer.  Teen Spidey should hit theaters summer 2012.

Written by James Vanderbilt, Webb will work closely with producers Avi Arad and Laura Ziskin in developing the project, which will begin production later this year.

Amy Pascal, co-chairman of  Sony Pictures Entertainment, and Matt Tolmach, president of Columbia Pictures, said about the next Spider-Man movie,

“At its core, Spider-Man is a small, intimate human story about an everyday teenager that takes place in an epic super-human world. The key for us as we sought a new director was to identify filmmakers who could give sharp focus to Peter Parker’s life. We wanted someone who could capture the awe of being in Peter’s shoes so the audience could experience his sense of discovery while giving real heart to the emotion, anxiety, and recklessness of that age and coupling all of that with the adrenaline of Spider-Man’s adventure. We believe Marc Webb is the perfect choice to bring us on that journey.”

The probably had to call up Stan The Man Lee to get a quote from him before they did the press release.  Come on!… We don’t need no Steengkeen Peter Parker!  We want to see Spidey knock bad guys’ heads, rip steel doors off their hinges, dodge bullets and save the day!

Parker can barely pay his bills on time, is chronically late for everything and in the classic series just paints himself to be a constant shmuck!  We got enough of that in our real life, we want some action, some real hero doing super things in cool outfits with funky gadgets.  If we wanted to see a born-again-loser all we’d have to do is look in the mirror.

Peter doesn’t give us hope.  Spidey gives us hope.  You’re never going to hear mom say, “Jimmeeee! Eat your Wheaties so you’ll be big and strong like Peter Parker!”  Come on! Even Bruce Wayne has his bajillions of dollars, incredible good looks, body of an Olympian and brain of the best detective in the world.  Bruce Rocks! … I don’t wanna see Peter’s story.. I want what they gave us in Spider-Man II with the run-away train.  Now THAT was action. … I and every other guy in the theater was just-that-close to tears when Spidey passed out and the passengers …. … the passengers they… *choked up*… passed him… *swallow*… over their heads and …. excuse me, *leaves room, blows nose, pulls collar*…. and gently laid him down on the rail floor… .. *sniff*.  God I’m such a puss!  That stupid scene gets me every time.

No more Peter emptying the trash talking to MJ. No more… Peter trying to pay Aunt May’s bills!  Or running late to the play only to be stopped by Ash (Bruce Campbell).  Come ON! I didn’t pay freakin’ $10 bucks to see that.  Even the pizza scene, where he rescued the little brat, was better than that.  No.  The best was when Spidey (not Peter) was fighting Doc Ock on the clock tower and finally rescued Aunt May, then all the chicks come running up, “Rescue ME! Rescue ME!”… stupid chicks.

The new Spider-Man movie will be written by James Vanderbilt.  Webb will work closely with the producers Avi Arad and Laura Ziskin in developing the project.  Arad and Ziskin spoke about the movie,

“Over the years, the Spider-Man comics have been told with bold and creative new writers and artists who have blah blah blah audiences see Peter Parker. Marc Webb will do for the new direction of the films what so many visionary storytellers blah blah blah with the comic books blah blah blah blah.”

Webb said,

“This is a dream come true and I couldn’t be more aware of the challenge, responsibility, or opportunity. Sam Raimi’s virtuoso rendering of Spider-Man is a humbling precedent to follow and build upon. The first three films are beloved for good reason. But I think the Spider-Man mythology transcends not only generations but directors as well. I am signing on not to ‘take over’ from Sam. That would be impossible. Not to mention arrogant. I’m here because there’s an opportunity for ideas, stories, and histories that will add a new dimension, canvas, and creative voice to Spider-Man.”

Just don’t suck Marc! Stan The Man Lee, co-creator of Spider-Man, added,

“I’m excited that Sony has chosen a director with a real penchant and understanding for the character. This is a brave, bold direction for the franchise, and I can’t wait to see what Marc comes up with next.”

We love you Stan.  If you’re concerned about where this might be heading… go see (500) Days of Summer.  It’s very well done.  Marc did a great job on it.  He won acclaim with his film debut (500) Days of Summer and has several MTV VMAs including 2009′s Best Director award for Green Day’s “21 Guns,” 2006 Best Rock Video for AFI’s “Miss Murder,” and Best Group Video for The All-American Rejects’ “Move Along.” The Music Video Production Association honored him in 2006 as the Director of the Year for his work with Weezer, AAR, and My Chemical Romance.

In addition to two Golden Globe nominations, Marc’s first feature film, (500) Days of Summer, has been nominated for three Independent Spirit Awards, including Best Feature. Webb was also awarded the Spotlight Award, which honors outstanding directorial debuts, by the National Board of Review.

So, what we’re seeing here is some new young blood.  God let’s hope it’s better than some of the sappy stuff they put on Smallville.  Please don’t F this up Marc.

If you get a chance, check out some of our Spidey gear.

P.S. … and Marc… you BETTER bring back the mechanical web-shooters!  Drop the 2099 talons! … so help me….

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