This is what usually happens by…oh, 11:30pm every St. Patrick’s Day on the Justice League Watchtower. The most disciplined hero of them all succumbs to the pressure of his peers…and pickles his brain until the post traumatic stress syndrome kicks in, or….. until the uncontrollable urge to sing anything from the Mel Torme play list demands he grab the mic from some flannel-cloaked townie unlucky enough to get caught in the Watchtower’s teleportation stream. Ugh. Of course, as with all things, Batman’s ability to croon through the thick, lapping sponges of inebriation is unmatchable. No human should be able to sing that well. I mean, Superman’s super-voice is only a little better. It’s just….unnatural.
Singing is always the preferred behavior when Batman’s nearly poop-faced. Of course, the application of his highly regarded, “velvet vocalization technique” isn’t always what you get. Yes, it’s pretty well known that Batman, at some point in his life, suffered a severe trauma. Guess what happens after a few Guinness? That’s right, all the years of psychic repair are torn asunder…and we’re given a glimpse of that crazy, fearful under-person; swirling, choking and reflecting a kaleidoscopic torrent of pain inside that mostly venerated Bat-noggin. Oh, it’s been in there the whole freakin’ time. He’ll just drop to the tiles and start yelling about…..the pearls; about how the necklace fell and…and how the pearls were stripped from their coarse, braided twine. Twine? Hey, I’m just passing along what he says.
And then…there’s the @$$hole factor. Go ahead, ask him if he’s okay. I dare ya’. Some moron actually tired to help him get up. The moment..the absolute second this idiot’s hand made contact, Batman removed the guy’s appendix, held it up in the air and started screaming, “Fish vittles,” at Aquaman. Surreal.
So, after hitting on Wonder Woman (who responded….positively), blowing snot at Superman (homemade Green K, he calls it) and delivering unto Robin his eleven hundredth “noogie,” it’s time to trick Batman back into the teleportation bay. Pictured above is a a little something Nightwing passed along after Batman’s “removal” from last year’s JLA St Patty’s Day celebration. We gave NW a heads-up on the coordinates Green Arrow punched in while being held upside down above a beer keg. Let’s just say he found Batman in under 3 hours. Yep, so Nightwing, after a little coaxing from Vixen over the 2-way, agreed to take this….this absolutely priceless picture. Oh, my. I was warned not to post it, but….I just…I mean..look at it. This is…this is Batman. The Dark freakin’ Knight!! This is the guy who never eats a “funion” or forgets a state capitol!
Happy St Patty’s Day, True Believers. Don’t drink and drive, drink and cry or …well, unless it ‘s a medical necessity, just…just leave the appendix out of it.
