Let’s face it, comic fans are the biggest whiners on the planet. No, really, we are. But, nobody can say that it’s not justified. Especially with all of the recent complaints about the decisions made by writers and directors when it comes to putting our favorite superheroes on screen. The movie industry has a fantastic track record of JUST NOT GETTING IT. Here’s just a couple of examples, bear with me.
Spider-Man: Sam Raimi seems to think (yes, I’m going there, just hold your flame) that not only is it ok to ignore historical canon but it’s also ok to interpret the comics incorrectly and use outdated material. For the last 30 years, the only person who seems to have thought that Peter was still “puny Parker” was Flash Thompson, and of course Sam Raimi. Which is why he cast Tobey Maguire for the role. It’s as if someone gave Raimi, or his casting director, a couple old Steve Ditko (no disrespect intended whatsoever) comics and said, “there’s your Spider-Man boss, we’re off for lunch.”
No! No! NONONONO! Toby’s a great actor, but he isn’t Peter Parker. For those of you who’ve forgotten, Peter grew up to be a freakin’ stud, he just never knew it. THIS, is Peter Parker!* He’s ripped with muscles, can lift a fridge with one hand and a school bus if he really tried. Hell, I’ve even seen him tip a rail car over with one finger!!! “So what! What’s this have to do with casting Wonder Woman?” We’re getting there, we’re getting there hold on. We’re not done b!tching yet.
What else was wrong with the Spider-Man (2002 – 2007) movies? Let’s just say, “lack of adherence to comic canon!” The one major ingredient to the inspired Geek-Rage when hero movies come out. E.g.
- Organic web-shooters replacing mechanical web-shooters.
- Finger talons in place of genuine, “don’t-ask-any-questions wall crawling abilities.”
- Emo Parker.
- Parker crying.
- Skinny Eddie Brock! Yes, yes, we know the reason why Raimi picked Topher Grace (which is a fine actor) but Raimi still got it wrong!
- Venom! Granted, you can’t include the entire Secret Wars story line, but still… Venom has a white symbol, WHITE! *Shakes fist!*
- Mary JaneJ! MJ is a supermodel. SUPERMODEL! Kirsten Dunst (who’s a fine actress and very cute) simply isn’t a supermodel. (Sorry Kirsten, but neither are we.)
What did Raimi get right?
- J. Jonah Jameson! J.K. Simmons was perfect!
- Aunt May/Rosemary Harris and Uncle Ben/Cliff Robertson
- Doc Ock
- Gwen Stacy/Bryce Dallas Howard (smoking hot)
- Betty Brant/Elizabeth Banks
- And the costume eventually grew on us.
This same … “formula,” violating comic canon, miscast actors, pulling emo out of a writer’s a$$, is systemic. To spare you the details, here’s the nutshell:
The Amazing Spider-Man (2012): In the upcoming The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), the costume is completely different, again. I can hear you flamers right now b!tching, “How can you judge the movie when you haven’t even seen it?!?” Shuddup already. Not judging the movie, judging the friggin’ costume. Give it a rest. Continuing on; mechanical web-shooters! That’s right, they can’t win when a comic geek’s complaining. If Raimi was such a damn genius, then we wouldn’t be going back to Peter’s sly inventions now, would we? But we are, and thank god for it, but they look ridiculous! If you want to see what the web-shooters are supposed to look like, click here. What else? Oh yeah, Peter’s parents are not only “back” (as seen in the comics) but apparently are there from the beginning! (which is not in the comics). Yeah, sure, it’s most likely a contrived ploy to fit in with the whole S.H.I.E.L.D. bit, but that’s what we hate, contrived, “square peg/round hole” manipulations to meet the directors ends, not our needs. BAH!
X-Men Origins: Wolverine: What was right? Hugh Jackman. What was wrong? The biggest gripe I can think of right now is Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds is fine, but that piece of garbage that was supposed to be Deadpool… someone should have been fired and shipped to Iraq for making such an idiot move. What In THEE HELL were they thinking? Adamantium blades, optic blast, sewn mouth and teleporting without a device (DP uses a mechanical device to teleport. It’s not an organic skill).
Superman Returns: Returns from what? Give me a break. Brandon Routh looks great, is tall, looks good and even plays a great Clark Kent, but I’m sorry, he’s no Superman. Simply because he’s not massive enough. Superman is huge, big, muscles everywhere. Brandon Routh has an Olympic swimmer’s body; lean, too lean, like a barracuda, and sure he has some muscles, yeah, but even Hugh Jackman had more mass than Routh, and that’s just wrong. What else? Swim suit shorts. BAH! And you just HAD to change the symbol, didn’t you. Had to leave YOUR mark, your signature, pissing on everything, “Singer was here!”
The list goes on, it literally doesn’t stop. Which brings us to Wonder Woman. Who should play Wonder Woman? The key is first figuring out what Wonder Woman is, and what she is not. It’s not that hard, really. All you have to do is open a couple dozen gorram Wonder Woman comic and start reading.
What Is Needed In A Wonder Woman?
A long list of very simple concepts.
- Tall – Wonder Woman is 5’11″. At that height there aren’t that many applicants, but at least it screens out all of the shorter women.
- Beautiful – Not just beautiful, but drop dead, traffic stopping beautiful.
- Exotic – Not your average bombshell from California or Texas, but more of a Mediterranean look, slightly ethnic with olive skin.
- Perfectly proportioned – Yeah, sure guys go nuts over the Pamella Anderson type Thunder Boobs look, but Wonder Woman isn’t about that. She’s statuesque, has curves without being ridiculously over endowed.
- Has a build – Yeah,sure guys like skinny girls, but Wonder Woman is an Amazon, which means she has muscles. If you were to put a bunch of comic geeks in a room full of Mt. Dew and Cheetos, you’d hear them say that her strength is arguably just shy of Superman’s. If push came to shove, she can even hold her own against the Hulk. … for a while. Then she’d have to pull an Ultimates Wasp move on him if she wanted to stop him in his tracks.
- Can fight – Movie makers never seem to understand that the audience can tell when a woman can’t fight on screen. It’s like, watching a girl throw a baseball (granted, there are lots of highly athletic girls/women out there, (who can throw better than 90% of the guys out there) but this comment is in reference to the very non-athletic girl throwing a ball). What comes to mind is casting someone like Michelle Yeoh in a fight scene.
- Can act – Last, but definitely not least, we won’t be fooled by big boobs and panties. … ok, so we can be fooled but we’re going to b!tch about it after the movie’s done playing. Yeah, sure we’ll buy the DVD, but we’ll still b!tch about it. Wonder Woman has to act. We won’t let the movie people get away with just showing us cheese cake! … well, a little cheese cake is ok, but please don’t let the show ride on that alone.
Some Wonder Woman Applicants
We searched the interwebs for relative unknowns or missed opportunities and we found several beauties who we feel come close to the embodiment of Wonder Woman.
Elisabetta Canalis: At 5’7″ Elisabetta is a stunning Italian actress who also happens to be George Clooney’s girlfriend. (Go George!). She appeared in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and romantic comedy Virgin Territory.
Laetitia Casta: Though, only 5’5″, Laetitia has many of the prerequisites to be Wonder Woman, if not another Amazon on Themyscira. She is a French model & actress. She was the official face of L’Oréal, Dior, and Chanel. She’s been featured in Tommy Hilfiger, Guess Jeans, Miu Miu and XOXO ad campaigns and has appeared on over 100 magazine covers including Victoria’s Secret catalogs, ELLE magazine, and Vogue magazine. She also appeared in 3 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues, Rolling Stone, and a Pirelli Calendar and was the face of Ralph Lauren’s newest fragrance, Notorious. Laetitia is no slouch.
Moran Atias: At a STUNNING 5’9″ Moran is mind shattering gorgeous Israeli actress and model. She’s so hot, she could be a waitress or …or an airline stewardess in the 60s. She was discovered in Italy by Roberto Cavalli and was cast in the Israeli “Strauss” commercial and chosen to lead the “Renuar” campaign. She has also won the title of Miss Israel. If you have ever known, or met Israeli women, you will know that they are some of the most beautiful women in the world. Ai chi-wawa!
Ayelet Zurer: Ayelet is another Israeli actress, best known for her roles in Nina’s Tragedies, Adam Resurrected, Munich, and Angels & Demons. Though. Though she is no spring chicken, she (at the very least) has what it takes to play Hippolyta. The one thing we do know about Isralie women. … they can fight. Everyone in Israel is drafted into the military for two years, though, unless you’re a supermodel, then you can dodge it, however it’s considered a big no-no there. … I think I’m going to have to go rent Angels & Demons now.
We could go on and on, but we think you get the idea. Let’s just hope that the people who come together to create the next Wonder Woman TV show or movie does their due diligence to research Wonder Woman and understand who she is and what she represents. If you’re looking to get a good understanding on DC’s retconned Wonder Woman, we highly suggest George Perez’s Wonder Woman: God and Mortals. Another good book to get is Wonder Woman: Hiketeia. And, as usual, your thoughts are welcome. We know many of you won’t agree, but at least we’re trying to set the standard.
* “No More Puny” What comic, issue, what year, and what page is this on? The first Person to send us the correct answer (at facebook @ superherostuff.com) to all of these questions wins a free t-shirt! Winner will be posted here.
Tags: Wonder Woman