Infinity War » Those Weren't Tums!

The Ten Things That Happened to Me After I Swallowed an Infinity Stone

Okay, so…I have a confession to make.

The Reality Stone? One of the six Infinity Stones capable of untangling the most fundamental universal principals of discernable (and inconceivable) existence? Well, it’s not in the location I mentioned previously. If you read my glorious (and informative) article regarding the Stone’s present location, I mentioned a certain Elder of the Universe – the Collector – was granted custody of the Reality Stone.

Well…that was a lie.

Who has the Reality Stone? I do. Rather, I did until…well…I didn’t.

You see, after Thor’s battle with Malekith during the ‘Dark World’ incident, the Reality Stone – aka, the “Aether” – was never actually found, nor was it transferred to the Collector. According to recently declassified SHIELD files, the gem simply disappeared.

Where did it end up? Three days after the ‘Dark World’ incident, I found the Reality Stone floating in my above-ground pool.

Not aware of its power or importance, I behaved like all babies and geriatrics when confronted by something new, shiny, and resembling candy – I put it in my mouth, and then I swallowed.

What happened afterwards was equally sublime and catastrophic. I became evolved, spiritually elevated, and overly self-indulgent. Yes, I had a potent cosmic conductor swimming in my guts, granting me the ability to shape reality with the slightest inclination. But did I do anything great? Yes. Of course. Did I do anything worth remembering? Probably not.

Here’s sampling of what I got up to while altering reality’s ‘settings menu’ to better suit my utterly ridiculous lifestyle preferences.

1. I Turned into a Butterfly

I love butterflies. Always have. Before I realized what was making my beer belly glow – before I realized the nature of what I consumed – I involuntarily morphed into something I loved.

And as I flittered about, I grew larger and ever larger until I blocked out the sun. Until I became a butterfly sun. It was...glorious.

At about the 30-minute mark, I glided home and reverted – painlessly – to my meager human form.

2. Everything I Touched Turned to Chocolate

I also love chocolate – perhaps more than butterflies. And, because I love chocolate, everything I touched turned to chocolate. That dead tree in my backyard? It’s chocolate and I ate it - every branch, every leaf, and every chocolate aphid. Besides the ability to change all matter into chocolate matter, I could eat said chocolate matter without gaining a single pound. And that, my friends, was almost as astounding as turning meat pizzas into chocolate meat pizzas.

3. Everything I Touched Turned Vanilla, and Then I Destroyed Everything I Inadvertently Turned Vanilla

Is vanilla even a flavor? No, it’s not— it’s the first official non-flavor followed by water and waffles without syrup. So, imagine my chagrin when the chocolate transformations ceased, and everything started turning into utterly tasteless vanilla sludge.

I was infuriated and extremely upset. After failing to change another inanimate object into a chocolate inanimate object, I dropped the now-vanilla object to the ground. With the slightest effort, scorching yellow beams launched from my eyes, utterly disintegrating the vanilla-flavored affront. I then turned to the other vanilla constructs and applied the same “zapping” technique. It was…. cathartic.

By this point, I was starting to see a pattern. Every time I had a want, a need, or any kind of strong, lingering urge, my stomach started to glow and I was able to – at a whim -- fulfill that urge. I was able to exact my will upon creation and bring about a reality I preferred.

It was time to have a little fun with it…

4. I Made Every Single Sentient Being in the Universe Sing ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” Simultaneously

I used to really hate that song. I mean, I really, REALLY hated that song. But I thought it would be funny if every being everywhere – with working mouth-things and voice-things – sang that insipid 70s disco anthem at the exact same time.

Having created and affixed very large microphones and speakers to every inhabited planet, I floated in the center of the universe and heard the sometimes wretched, sometimes angelic choruses of “Dancing Queen” performed by life’s infinite choir.

After this equally wonderous and despicable sound, I grew to truly appreciate the cosmic genius that is “ABBA”.

5. I Lived Inside a Comic Book

So, as a huge comic book fan, I decided to create a world populated by my favorite superheroes. Sure, the Avengers and various super-people already exist in “real life”, but not the inspiring heroes inhabiting DC Comics. So, I spent some time in Keystone City as The Flash, pummeled the likes of Braniac and Mongul as Superman, and terrified street thugs (while intimidating my colleagues in the Justice League) as Batman. It was a fun seventy-five years, and I’ll always look upon every single crisis, retcon, and reboot with complete and utter fondness.

6. I Finally Understood Jazz

Jazz always seemed very…unmelodic (and therefore unnecessary) to me. It was just a bunch of guys juggling a surplus of notes through a whirlwind of biting, abruptly changing time signatures. But then I put on John Coltrane and I listened. I really, REALLY listened.

Maybe it was the stone, but I finally heard the music within the music. The patterns were there, but I was always too impatient to discern them over time. Jazz was on par with the ‘music of the spheres’ -- the music of spinning, garbled, and penetrating creation. It was singing to me the whole time, and I was too “human” to appreciate it.

7. I Made the Avengers Like Me

I’m a HUGE Avengers fan. Heck, they saved my husky, semi-bearded Aunt Sally during the ‘Battle of New York,’ so I’m forever indebted to Cap, Thor, Hulk, Iron Man, Black Widow, and that other guy. The… uh…the arrow guy.

I always thought that if given the opportunity, I would get along famously with the world’s very first super-team. Things being what the were pre-Reality Stone, I would never be afforded such an opportunity. Things being what the they were later, I immediately introduced myself to Tony Stark.

Did we get along? Yes. Famously.

He was so taken by our friendship, I was introduced to the rest of the Avengers.

Did we get along? Yes. Famously.

Before I knew it, Cap was calling me “Bucky” and we were off on countless adventures dealing with countless threats both terrestrial and cosmic. Oh, what a time we had.

Knowing I “forced” their friendships, I eventually felt disingenuous and left their company – I planted a memory of my tragic death delivered via Skrull Warship. Occasionally, I stopped by disguised as a postman to ogle the many pictures hanging from the “Wall of Heroes” – pictures of me surrounded by my very best fake friends.

8. I Continued the Story After ‘The Return of the King’.

I loved Tokien’s ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy, and I loved the films. Unfortunately, after ‘Lord of the Rings,’ the story…ended. With the dependable limits of reality no longer a burden, I set about continuing the story after Frodo joined the Elves and Aragorn became king. All in all -- and in cooperation with Peter Jackson -- we created 57 more movies involving the original cast and their descendants. It was a multi-generational film epic that no movie franchise has ever successfully duplicated. In your FACE, Star Wars!!!!

9. I Finally Went to the Bathroom

In the middle of creating a giant floating turtle upon which to survey various creations in various states of construction, I had a powerful urge to “hit the head”, as it were.

Quickly creating a lavish bathroom atop the floating turtle, I sequestered myself for three weeks as strangely colored materials “passed” from my body. On the final day, and after the Stone made a subtle “plop”, I found myself standing next to the above-ground pool with nary a chorus of “Dancing Queen” echoing from the ether.

Apparently, the Stone was no longer tolerant of my pedestrian indulgences and decided to quest onward for perhaps a more learned keeper.

And yes, it undid everything – all the “damage” brought about to reality as a result of my petty (but still pretty cool!) indulgences. I was sad, but I was also relived. Significantly.

10. I Can Sense the Arrival of Thanos

Although bereft an Infinity Stone, I can now sense them. And I can now sense their fear. A “Thanos” – a highly evolved man-creature residing several galaxies away but making his way towards Earth – is determined to collect them and utilize them for things far worse than an unending supply of chocolate bowling pins.

Okay, here’s the plan: I’m going to return to Avengers Tower and tell them I ...Tell them I…uh…I’LL TELL THEM I SURVIVED DISINTIGRATION BY SKRULL WARSHIP! Unfortunately, they’ll probably consider me a Skrull imposter and hurl me into the Negative Zone.

Damn it.