Winners of the 2018 SuperherOscars
As decided on by The Illuminati and a guy named Tiras
It’s the Second Annual Superhero Oscars (courtesy of SuperHeroStuff, your glorious go-to place for every preconceived superhero/sci-fi product-type)!
Last year, we celebrated the nominees culled from 2016’s cinematic superhero/sci-fi offerings. This year, however, we’re moving past all that unnecessary “nominee” business and presenting the winners based on COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE CATEGORIES that are ABSOLTUELY NOT MADE UP or chosen for the sole purpose of amusing ourselves.
So, without further ado, we present the winners of 2018’s prestigious (and a little bit silly) Superhero Oscars!
WINNER! The Most Courageous (and prolific) Use of the F-Bomb by a Geriatric Telepath in a Superhero Movie (Logan)
Logan was a very dark and emotionally taxing film. So dark, in fact, that 75% of the viewing audience reportedly suffered from acute bouts of depression for 3-6 weeks after said viewing. The film wasn’t simply realistic, it was hyper-realistic – Wolverine stabbed people through the jaw – in slow motion – as a certain delirious telepath suffered debilitating psychic seizures.
And that aged, regressing telepath? That former icon of the Mutant movement who could make aggressive alien species experience a collective death-by-fire WITH HIS MIND?? Well, he was old. And senile. And cantankerous.
From the moment he graced the screen, he cursed like a longshoreman forced to pick barnacles from the bottoms of his sea-weary soles. And he cursed regularly considering his room was a moldy missile silo, the food sucked, and he probably had something to do with a giant psychic spear that skewered the X-Men.
Have you ever experienced a genetically superior F-bomb delivered via psychic jackhammer? No? Lucky you.
WINNER! The Longest Spaceship Battle (with the least amount of actual battling) in a Science Fiction Film (The Last Jedi)
So, the First Order craft – a much larger, presumably faster spaceship – couldn’t catch up with a teeny tiny Resistance spacecraft. Nope. And, it struggled to catch said craft for about ¾ of a nearly 2.5-hour film.
Hmmm. I guess there weren’t any relatively close-by First Order ships capable of –oh, I don’t know -- utilizing hyperspace to appear DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF the Resistance ship??
And I suppose launching a second wave of TIE Fighters was off the table? The Resistance ship was fresh out of cannon juice, so why not launch another pack of nimble TIE Fighters to end this grueling, protracted detente once and for all!?
I guess the movie needed time to finish the awful space-gambling subplot, and the completely ludicrous mutiny that could have been avoided if Vice General Holdo simply said, “Yes, I have a plan. Gather round and I’ll tell you everything.” What the HELL, Star Wars!!?
WINNER! Best Use of Pac-Man as a Weapon Against Kurt Russel, an Ancient Brain-Planet Determined to Assimilate the Universe (Guardians of the Galaxy)
When you have access to god-like power, you can rearrange molecules at a whim, creating wondrous automated shapes pulled straight from your perpetually gleaming childhood.
Unfortunately, when your newly found father decided to impose his personal ecosystem on galaxies teeming with life, you had to weaponize a few cherished memories.
Star-Lord’s immediately accessible arsenal included a sizable rock-formed Pac-Man so he could match his raging father’s Mountain Giant avatar. Did Star-Lord – wrapped in a giant video game icon – fair well against Kurt Russel’s less creative but incredibly massive, human-shaped dirt mound?
Well, I wouldn’t call it an unequivocal success, but it was an effective distraction while a bipedal sapling struggled to recall the pressing order of several blinking buttons.
WINNER! Most Irresponsible Use of a Self-Aware Super-Suit Gifted by Tony Stark (Spider-Man: Homecoming)
When Tony Stark tells you to keep a low profile, keep a low profile. Do NOT crash a pool party or confront your girlfriend’s father about the dangerous alien tech he’s reverse-engineering. Unfortunately, his unlawful tinkering created an impressive criminal organization – it supplied unseemly citizens with hazardous super-weapons and deadly flying apparatuses.
So, when a sale of volatile arm-basters took place aboard a ferry, someone just had to show up and spray 85 kinds of webbing on the dogged and determined dealers. The result? The blatant misuse of an unstable blaster – it cut through several very important sections of the ferry, instantly ruining its previously dependable seaworthiness.
Yes, you slathered the sliding, separating sections with copious webbing and used all your spider-might to keep the ferry afloat, but it was all for naught. You would have seriously screwed up -–royally and massively -- if not for Iron Man’s timely intervention and his helpful army of magnetic drones sporting considerable thrusters.
Well, Parker, no one was hurt, but your actions imply a troubling lack of logic, sound judgement – and surprisingly – basic human empathy. Hand over the suit – the only “assembling” in your future involves a giant set of Star Wars LEGOS.
WINNER! The Most Successful Use of CGI to Remove Contractually Immovable Facial Hair (Justice League)
When DC Comics’ superhero opus Justice League demanded intense reshooting due to an unfavorable first cut -- with apparent deficiencies in forced humor, light, color, and a bulkier, newly sober Batman – dealing with a surprisingly mustachioed Superman (Henry Cavill) presented a painstaking continuity obstacle.
You see, Henry already finished filming his scenes for Justice League – he left his billowing cape and Kyptonian one-piece behind to begin his next project, Mission Impossible: Fallout. And yes, Cavill’s Mission Impossible character – one August Walker – was brazenly unshaven.
So, what to do when a cleanly-shaven post-resurrection Superman is necessary to refilm the latter half of Justice League? Why, you assign a crack team of CG wizards to remove the unseemly pseudo-beard one whisker at a time.
Was this untested application of bleeding-edge, post-production damage control a success? Oh, absolutely – the process not only removed the face-sized blemish initiated by Cavill’s manliness, it managed to maintain his naturally wide alien grin, his finger-length incisors, his pickle-sized chin dimple, and his mysteriously radiant, completely immobile cheek bones.
WINNER! The Most Successful Appropriation of 1980s Aesthetics in a Superhero Movie (Thor: Ragnarok)
Some contemporary films try desperately to dress themselves in the blistering, layered neon of the 1980s. Most of them fail, and they fail because they refuse to commit fully. Thor: Ragnarok, however, does NOT fail because it commits fully, completely, and unapologetically.
The swirling, pulsing video game palate of green, orange, yellow, and red permeates the film’s crackling and Jack Kirby-born landscape. The ships, although sullen gray and stately white, carry these colors in accenting bursts or circuited veins transporting gurgling volts to hungry hyper-drive engines.
And the music? You’ve heard it before --- the chiming pulses and glassy growling of popular ‘80s synths harkening back to an animated Optimus Prime sacrificing the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, or any film involving John (and Joan) Cusack.
Thor: Ragnarok not only embraced the ‘80s, it feathered its hair, wore pants with innumerable zip-up pockets, and covered its Trapper Keeper in Scratch ‘n Sniff stickers.
WINNER! The Most Inspiring, Most Important Superhero Film EVER! (Black Panther)
And yes, we know it debuted in 2018, but we’re including it anyway. Why? Because it’s about the Black Panther! He’s the spiritually and technologically empowered cat-themed King of Wakanda! He protects the mostly hidden Africa Nation from the greedy, selfish wiles of foreign corporations seeking a few milligrams of the sacred Vibranium mound!
He’s also incredibly intelligent! He holds several PhDs, doctorates, and perhaps a few hundred certificates of graduation from countless online courses.
And Wakanda? It’s a veritable oasis of art, culture, and tolerance – the perfect example of a harmonious nation that exists to promote personal and spiritual well-being.
Honestly, after my 15th viewing of the film, I was inspired to show more kindness towards my fellow man and contribute to the conservation of dwindling natural resources. Folks, the Black Panther movie initiated a deep, personal, and still-blossoming change in the previously toxic fabric of my being. It’s truly a transformative event that will successfully kick-start your spiritual evolution.