10 Ways to Survive the 'Infinity War' with Thanos

Thanos is here, and unfortunately, you’re on your own. The Avengers – including a host of equally powerful but unaffiliated super-people – are either impaled on Corvus Glaive’s 10-foot pike, molecularly scattered across dimensions, or turned into raving, brain-eating Pokemon who lure passersby with choruses of “pika-pika.”

Anyway, yes, Thanos -- AND his army, AND the Black Order – are here, and there’s nothing The Avengers, the united global army, or your husky, semi-bearded Aunt Sally can do to stop the complete and utter destruction of our usually dependable reality paradigm.

How does one survive the global conflagration brought about Thanos and his reality-pummeling Infinity Gauntlet?

Well, let’s be honest – your chances are slim. However, my handy-dandy guide might actually keep you alive long enough to benefit from the Avengers’ eleventh-hour victory.

If you’re determined to survive the relentless onslaught of Thanos’ Outriders, his seriously terrifying Black Order, and the violent butchering of previously frustrating physics, I implore you to heed the following, not-at-all-guaranteed-but-certainly-helpful guide to surviving – potentially – the war with Thanos.

1. Do NOT Wear an Avengers T-Shirt

I shouldn’t have to say it/type it, but seriously – you might as well carry a giant sign that says, “Dear Thanos, please warp my kneecaps 15 minutes into the future. I really don’t need them and prefer wriggling like a bespectacled worm person.” Good grief, man. I know they saved your Uncle Jake during the ‘Battle of New York,’ but wrapping yourself in a shirt-shaped Avengers flag is asking for a succession of curb-stomps bestowed by the Black Order.

2. Do NOT Hide Inside a Building

Thanos can turn matter into soup, cookie dough, or macaroni salad. A building made of those slimy substances will certainly mitigate hunger, but it won’t deter Proxima Midnight’s atom-splitting spear.

3. Don’t Call Jessica Jones

Yes, she’s very strong, but she’s very, very drunk. Considering the world is burning, Jessica is seriously outdoing herself. Basically, I’m telling you she’s nearly black-out drunk and sobbing uncontrollably in a dumpster. Yeah, let’s give her a little space.

4. Listen to Doctor Doom

Regardless of the scary iron mask, the heavy breathing, the echoing voice, and the 15 similarly-dressed robots covered in blood, Doctor Doom probably has a solid plan for escaping Earth or seriously crippling Thanos’ armada. My advice? If he asks you to escort him back to Latveria and utilize his “time platform” to “visit” a newly-born Thanos, I say do it. And do it until you get it right.

5. Don’t Help the Superheroes

Okay, you can probably throw a rock without dislocating a shoulder, and you watched an inordinate amount of Shaw Brothers films. Unfortunately, this “skillset” DOES NOT prepare you for the alien creatures currently chewing on Spider-Man. Rub mud on your face, wear a trash bag covered in lunchmeat, and stay out of sight.

Oh, and this leads directly to my next point:

6. Don’t Help the Mortally Wounded, Seemingly Unattended Superheroes

It’s a trap, you see. I know – Moon Knight’s arms are missing, his leg is on fire, and half his face is, well, melting. He’s just lying there, shaking his fist at the moon and yelling something that sounds like …“Honshu?”

He’s all alone and suffering. You’re not a doctor, but you could at least offer comfort, a bottle of water, and maybe a comic book. DO NOT DO THIS!

The last good Samaritan that aided a morally wounded superhero – a legless Danny Rand – was immediately jumped by several Outriders who took the said Samaritan to Proxima Midnight. Said Samaritan’s face is now Proxima’s favorite human mask (out of several thousand human masks).

7. Build Peaceful Relations with the Slug People

Fourteen hours ago, Thanos utilized the Reality Stone and turned thirteen-million people into, well, slug-people. They’re not changing back, so the best course of action is to befriend them, bring them plenty of soil, and hope they don’t slather you in digestive juices while you sleep.

8. Keep a Positive Attitude

Yes, Thanos used the Space Stone to pluck alien gods from their hellish dimensions and deposit them in your hometown. Now, they’re eating the fire department and vomiting bones in a public pool.

But don’t worry – Netflix still works, your Nan-Nan is making chocolate chip cookies, and the slug-people are making moonshine. It’s a good life if you can avoid the arbitrarily opening black holes and the flying, plague-dispersing rowboats manned by reanimated Glam Rock icons.

9. Believe in Captain America

According to Twitter (because yes, there’s still Twitter), Captain America and a contingent of battle-ready heroes have regrouped in Wakanda. Can Cap, the Black Panther, the Winter Soldier, Black Widow, the Incredible Hulk AND the world’s most powerful army finally beat the hell out of Thanos?? C’mon, this is Captain America we’re talking about – the same guy who stabbed Galactus in the eye with a Cosmic Cube. Everything’s going to be juuuust fine.

10. Prepare Yourself – Emotionally – for the Death of Captain America

Yeah, I think Cap’s a little overmatched here. Heck, the entire planet – no, the universe – is a little overmatched here. I mean, how can you fight a being holding sway over time and space? Over every conceivable, applicable, occasionally abstract, and formerly immutable law of multiversal structure? You can’t. You just can’t, unless he lets you. Unless it’s entertainment.

You just need to be ready for the bad news. Hopefully, it won’t come to pass, but I just saw Marc Bolan from T.Rex manning a flying rowboat – he’s throwing vials of chicken pox at the few remaining residents of a retirement community. This is…. We’re….Yeah, we’re screwed.