Holiday Shipping Deadlines

Please note these deadlines are not guaranteed due to areas out of our control such as provider and custom delays. We recommend ordering as quickly as possible to ensure arrival before the holiday.

Domestic United States
Standard December 11, 2020
USPS Priority Mail December 19, 2020
UPS Ground December 15, 2020
UPS 3 Day December 21, 2020
UPS 2 Day December 22, 2020
UPS Next Day December 23, 2020
Standard December 7, 2020
Packet Tracked December 9, 2020
Priority Tracked December 11, 2020
Fedex December 18, 2020
Infinity War »NASA Regarding the Arrival of Thanos

Listen to This Disturbing Message Intercepted by NASA Regarding the Arrival of Thanos

Ever since the Chitauri attacked New York, America – and the world – is still struggling to deal with the crippling emotional feedback of a very harsh, almost unbearable reality – we’re not alone, and we’re easy prey.

If not for the Avengers and this startling -- but certainly appreciated -- surge of impossibly powered “super-humans”, this otherworldly army would have continued their unyielding death march beyond the Big Apple’s borders. Folks, if it wasn’t for the recently discovered Captain America, a newly-armored Tony Stark, and their extraordinarily powered comrades, New York would be ground zero – the first of many cities to fall at the hands of technologically superior extra-terrestrials.

Since the ‘Battle of New York’ (aka, ‘The Incident’) introduced us, kicking and screaming, to a larger universe populated by our darkest sci-fi imaginings, we’ve been waiting for the other shoe – the much larger and more destructive shoe -- to drop. In the backs of our already overwhelmed psyches cycles the following question successfully disturbing the sleep of our entire civilization:

Will it happen again?

My friends, as of this morning – and according to a very harrowing transmission originating from deep space – it seems that question might be answered with an emphatic “yes”.

At 3:30am EST, three of NASA’s 1,100 active satellites picked up a terrifying transmission – a message NASA officials are calling a “rare, almost unbelievable off-world phenomenon originating from barely-charted regions of space.”

Lasting nearly two minutes, this deep-space message is, firstly, the last communique sent by an obviously imperiled creature – a terrifying warning regarding an imminent threat to Earth. How did NASA and various federal institutions arrive at this conclusion? Because the message – regardless of waning signal strength and limited discernibility – is conveyed in English.

In a surprising move, NASA, with the permission of our President, released this message to public news outlets.

Below is the entire two-minute transmission. Because of its dire emotional content, we recommend listening outside the company of small children.

For those of you struggling with the particulars, NASA – with the help of specially trained SHIELD linguists -- provided a transcript boasting an accuracy rating of at least 96.87%:

“This is Richard…..skkkkzkkzkzkzk ard..Rider. Repeat, this is Nova Corps Officer Richard Rider. Theskrrrrt..the Skulls…..they’re all…..skskskskskskssk skkksssskskskskskkskssk. I repeat, they’re all dead. The Skrull throneworld is…skkkkkrt. No one survived. I repeat: no one. He got here before we did and…I tried to stop him. I tried to stop him, but I couldn’t. He used one of the stones. He has one of the stones. Do you hear what I’m saying? HE’S GOT ONE OF THE STONES! He…he turned everything, EVERYONE, inside out. He opened dimensional holes inside them—inside their heads (sobbing) and….

We’re on a life boat in sector sksskskkskskskssksk. We’re on a life boat skkkkkkt…WORK, DAMN IT!!!!! We’re on a lifeboat in sector skkkkkt of the Andromeda Rim. Engines …engines are completely shot but we’re trying. We’re trying to get them…Oh. Okay. Hold on. Ooooh. Okay. All right. Okay. We’re going to attempt to jump. To jump to Earth. If we don’t make it….tellskrrrrrrrrrt we have to tell Earth. He’s on his skkkkkkkttttt…he knows exactly where they are. We’re going to make a jump. I need to get home. I need to warn them. I need to get back to my family. And you need to tell them. I know they’re not ready, but you need to tell Earth that he’s coming. He’s looking for the stones and he’s coming. He’s coming and (loud explosion).

NO! No! Damn it! He’s here. Thanos is here. Ahh, look, tell them…I know you don’t want to, but you’ve got to tell them he’s coming. He’s going to kill everyone. Everyone. Tell my family I love them. Tell my family I…YOU PURPLE SON OF A ……{end transmission}”

If you’re hearing this for the first time, we’re quite sure you initial questions mirror our own dumbstruck inquiries:

  • Who is Richard Rider, the absolutely terrified human being responsible for this desperate communique??
  • Where is Richard Rider? And what, exactly, is a “Nova Corps?”
  • For whom is this message intended?
  • Who -- or what – is “Thanos,” the name uttered by Richard moments before the signal pulse ceased?

Thankfully, it seems our government has a few ideas regarding the sender’s identity and perhaps the identity of his attacker -- an apparent destroyer of worlds.

Poured over by the FBI – working in conjunction with SHIELD – the translated message uncovered mostly innocuous, unactionable data until SHIELD, at the behest of the US President, shared and declassified certain documents pertaining to an unusual missing persons case.

According to these files, SHIELD investigated an incident 25-years ago regarding a 10-year-old boy, Richard Rider. On April 10th, 1991, Richard failed to return home after his usual visit to a nearby park after school. That night, after an hour of searching, his parents contacted the local authorities.

After another harrowing hour – and according to these SHIELD documents – the Rider family was approached by several SHIELD agents claiming investigative jurisdiction over local authorities. Hesitant to offer information, the Riders contacted local authorities who confirmed SHIELD’s apparent “expertise” in these matters.

Again, referencing the newly-declassified SHIELD documents, the Riders learned the truth about Richard:

While playing basketball, Richard was enveloped by potent cosmic energies and carried off-world. Apparently, an alien member of a “known” cosmic space agency – the “Nova Corps” – died in close proximity to Richard. Amidst its death-throes, the alien projected its “powers” to Richard, immediately “transferring” him to a planetary hub where all Nova Centurions reside.

The Rider family was sworn to secrecy, and Richard’s case was officially labeled “unsolved.”

Who – or what – is Thanos?

Unfortunately, the SHIELD documents do NOT reference a “Thanos.” And SHIELD, the FBI, and The Avengers refuse to provide any details regarding this apparent alien threat. Thanks to the transmission, this Is what we discerned about Thanos:

  • He, singularly, destroys worlds.
  • He’s coming to Earth.
  • He probably killed Richard and the screaming passengers aboard Richard’s space-faring “life boat.”

Considering the transmission has been properly vetted and deemed legitimate by mostly lawful branches of our government, I believe it’s up to us – you and me – to demand concrete answers from our representatives.

My friends, it seems yet another threat is looming – another alien invader hellbent on our demise. Will our world prevail? Will the Avengers unite? Or, will this be the end of our cosmic identity mere moments after our forced ascension to the universal stage?