Prepare Yourself: You’re Finally Going to Meet Green Lantern at Comic Con
Wait-a-second. Am I talking about an actual Green Lantern empowered by a glistening ring capable of manifesting giant green bear traps with the effortless application of super-condensed willpower? Am I telling you, discerning reader, that Earth’s representative from a massive cosmic police force – the “Green Lantern Corps” – is gracing Comic Con with his intensely glowing and charmingly caustic presence?
Sorry. I suppose the title is a little…misleading.
No, Green Lantern (or, one of several Green Lanterns) will NOT be showing up at this year’s Comic-Con. Why not? Two reasons:
- He’s busy with the Justice League. Something about Darkseid singing destructive frequencies capable of submerging our reality into a dark, twisted under-dimension.
- Green Lantern doesn’t exist. And yes, that means the cartoons, the comics, and that terrible movie are all a massive lie perpetrated by the convincing power of fiction.
So, if the apparently “fake” Green Lantern isn’t appearing, in what form or manner is Green Lantern actually appearing at Comic Con??
By way of a potentially fake but intensely speculated movie announcement!
Yes, Warner Bros. is boasting a MASSIVE presence at this year’s ostensibly comic book-focused but all-inclusive media event. They’ll be packing “Hall H” with a massive screen, massive actors, and massive panels featuring massive actors sitting at massive tables (in front of massive screens). One such massive actor is the massive Jason Momoa, sure to be massive in December’s massive film, Aquaman.
Rumor has it that Warner Bros. has a slew of big announcements -- most of which you’re familiar with -- but one in particular that should peak your interest: the complete and total verification of the semi-verified Green Lantern movie.
No, not a “Special Edition” release of the 2011 Green Lantern film starring Ryan Reynolds as Green-dead Lantern-pool (now with more inane “comedy” and hilarious bloopers courtesy of spontaneously combusting motion capture suits). Folks, we’re talking about a real, we’re-totally-going-to-give-a-sh*t-now-because-you-villified-us-for-the-first-one Green Lantern movie focusing on, yes, the Green Lantern Corps, but specifically Hal Jordan and John Stewart.
According to a speculative official statement by Aquaman (correction: the actor who plays Aquaman), the announcement will come shortly after Warner Bros. debuts the very first Aquaman trailer.
What, exactly, will this announcement include? According to
Aquaman Jason Momoa, we’ll get a very brief teaser trailer and meet the actors chosen for Hal Jordan and John Stewart, respectively.
Will Tom Cruise portray Earth’s very first Green Lantern, or perhaps Wilfred Brimley? Did Kanye West agree to play John Stewart? According to Kanye’s Twitter: “Yeah, I’m thinking about it, but I’m also thinking about our amphibious warlords manipulating the economy from the Earth’s core. Either could be real, so I’ll confer with my lucky starfish – she’s wise beyond her years.”
Uh… I’m sorry. What the @#$# was that, exactly??
And yes, Warner Bros. might tell us about their slate of 75 Joker films starring 76 different Jokers; a Birds of Prey movie that’s no longer a Gotham City Sirens movie; the Ben Affleck Batman movie that doesn’t have anything to do with Ben Affleck; a New Gods movie that you, me, and the estate of Jack Kirby give three sh*ts about; and perhaps something about Man of Steel 2. Or, at the very least, Henry Cavill’s journal entry titled “I Hope They Don’t Cast Brandon Routh for Man of Steel 2.”
But….we don’t give a rat’s tangled behind about a release schedule comparable to vomiting SpaghettiOs® into a thimble. We care about Green Lantern, and it looks like we’ll get all the details this year at Comic Con.
Jason Momoa Aquaman is in no way a reliable source, so we ask you to bear that in mind before buying your tickets, booking your flight, booking your hotel, waiting in line to wait in other lines, finding a seat, and ultimately discovering that Aquaman isn’t Aquaman and therefore inherently deceptive.